Saturday nights are best spent with vacuum salesmen.

Next time you hear a knock at your door at 7:30pm on a Saturday, don’t answer. That’s good advice for more than one reason. Here are three:

1. It’s probably someone trying to sell you a 2300-dollar vacuum and asking you to join their vacuum family. They will probably want to come into your home, assemble the vacuum in front of your very eyes, and provide you with a 3-hour demonstration on how this vacuum is the Jesus Christ Superstar of all things that suck–literally–and that your babies (past, present, and future) will probably die from inhaling the 2lbs of dust mites per square inch of your house if you don’t buy this vacuum right effin’ now, you dirty, dirty bastard.
2. If it’s not that, it’s probably a neighbor asking you, your dog, or you and your dog to STFU. And let’s be honest, he’s the one that needs to STFU.
3. People own guns.

If I had 2300 dollars–and mind you, I do not have 2300 dollars–you bet your bippy I wouldn’t spend it on a vacuum. I’d probably spend it on something much more practical, like a computer or 2300 bean burritos from Taco Bell. So unless you can see the neon shine of nacho cheese and smell the succulent nectar of hot sauce through your peep hole, chances are it’s not a TB Fairy at your door, so you might as well not even bother.